Introducing Relationship Academy: A Series Documenting My Deep Dive in Couples Work

Introduction

Doesn’t “Relationship Academy” sound like a K-drama? I’m picturing a hagwon for adults who need help with their romantic relationships and they come to class after work to learn communication and conflict resolution skills but then, shenanigans ensue (as they do) and an unlikely pair end up falling in love. In a scene in episode 6 when we can’t take the suspense much longer, they confess their feelings for one another using the stilted and formal language learned in the class.

Okay, enough distractions.

I’ve been working with adults individually for about 14 years now. I genuinely feel so grateful to be able to do this work with so much autonomy and creativity. But there’s one area where I feel thwarted: couples work. There have been times when I have witnessed clients struggling with their relationships and wished that I was their couples therapist rather than their individual therapist. In a lot of cases like this, the person I’m working with is in a great deal of daily distress because of ongoing concerns in their love relationship and talking about it through individual therapy can only take the progress so far. Also, interestingly, when I have referred people to couples counseling, it does not necessarily provide adequate solutions and progress for them. I realize it would be arrogant for me to assume I could do better given that how an individual presents and how a couple present can be very different. And yet, I want to get in there and see what I can do.

And so the time has come for me to start offering couples work in my practice. This is something I’ve considered for a long time but I kept putting off because I didn’t feel confident enough or didn’t feel I had the bandwidth to take on the study and training to prepare. But I don’t feel those barriers as strongly anymore. My practice is in a good place. I’m ready to take on a new type of therapy and offering. And, I’m taking you along for the ride!

How I’m Thinking About Relationships as a Psychologist Right Now

Fundamentally, we are relational beings and we need a greater sense of how to navigate and resolve conflicts that occur in our most important relationships. I work with Asian and Asian American women whose cultural orientation in relationships may be more collectivistic and interdependent. Couples work tackles the relationship and not just one person, which makes sense to me because the relationship is an entity and culture in its own right, with spoken and unspoken rules and norms. By examining closely the inner workings of a relationship, we can often get clarity on both the strengths and the areas that could be better.

What I’m Doing in This Series

I’m just getting started on my study of working with couples and I’d like to digest it for a lay audience on this blog. It’s partially an accountability tool for me and partially a way for me to rehearse and synthesize material I’m learning along the way. Some of the posts will be about books and workbooks I read, while others will be about TV shows (like Couples Therapy) and trainings I attend.

I hope to provide interesting anecdotes and observations along with helpful information about relationship repair and maintenance.

It’s not set in stone but here’s what I’m hoping to cover so far.

Books:

• State of Affairs and Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel

• Us and The New Rules of Marriage by Terrence Real

• Getting the Love You Want By Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt

• Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman and nan Silver

TV shows:

• Couples Therapy the show with Orna Guralnik

• Iyanla, Fix My Life

Schools of Couples Counseling:

• Relational Life Therapy (Terry Real)

• Imago Therapy (Hendrix & Hunt)

• The Gottman Method

• Emotionally Focused Therapy (Sue Johnson)

Next Time: A Brief Discussion About Why Your Therapist Can’t Be Your Couples Therapist

The next installment of this will focus on this question I get asked a lot, which is whether I can be my client’s couples therapist in addition to being their individual therapist.

*A brief note about language: I use relationships as a broad term to include long-term romantic relationships and marriages.