Relationship Academy is a series that follows my study of couples therapy. Read the introduction here. The rest of the series can be found here, filter for the Category of Relationship Academy.
One does not have notes for Orna. I’m speaking of Orna Guralnik, the psychoanalyst who conducts couples counseling on the Showtime show Couples Therapy.
She’s calm, grounded, direct, gentle. She communicates just as much with her body as she does her words. Her eyebrows and eye contact communicate a lot, such as “Go on, say more.” She’s quite skilled at letting silence do some work in the space too. There’s so much to admire. Sorry I’m fangirling.
While watching Season 5 of the show, I took copious notes on great interventions. Here are five of my favorites from that list. Give them a try!
“Do you know what your spouse cares about?” and the listening exercise
Marjorie and Jason are the couple who are shown in the first episode as having a major conflict over political differences. Marjorie is more politically left and Jason is more politically right. When they talk about these differences, it degenerates into vitriol. When Orna asks each of them, “Do you know what your spouse cares about?” it’s crickets. She then invites them to take turns listening to one another and then saying in their own words what the other cares about. As each of them does this, you see a softening and easing happen between them. While it may not mean that they always feel this way around politics, the exercise serves as a way to stay connected through disagreements.
“What do you need to enter a listening mode?”
Orna asks Clinton this when he is feeling flooded and unable to participate in the therapy process. Flooding refers to being so overwhelmed that a person can’t take anything in. Rather than allowing him to completely shut down, Orna invites Clinton to consider what might help him in the moment to stay engaged. In response to this question, so many things can be brought into the space to help a person feel more comfortable, such as “I need a 5 minute break” or “I need to scream into a pillow.”
Listen and show care instead of problem-solving
Orna prompts Jason to express care and listen to his wife rather than trying to solve the problem that is causing her feelings. This is such a common thing that people struggle with, by the way. What this intervention is teaching us is that we often want the people closest to us to listen to our struggles and be present with our emotions. Being present with another’s emotions can include just listening and nodding along (or another way to indicate you’re following), validating their thoughts and feelings, expressing empathy for what they might be feeling, using touch or another non-verbal gesture to indicate compassion or sympathy. It may sound ridiculously simple but it’s surprising how often people are missing this component in their dialogues.
“Let’s be here now.”
In one episode, Drea breaks down because she has been trying to hold her hurt feelings in check for a long time but she can’t contain it anymore and it all comes out. Nessa asks, “What do we do next?” Orna replies, “I don’t know what’s next but let’s be here now.” Her re-direction back to the present helps Nessa stay with the discomfort and uncertainty of Drea’s powerful and negative emotions. By bearing witness to and being with Drea’s pain, Nessa can’t go into rescuing and fixing mode (which is what she usually does). This is an important instance of differentiation for this couple.
Four hours a week of your own space.
This was a homework assignment Orna gave Drea to practice self-care and differentiation. This is so important for couples who have been together a long time who tend to do many things together. Sometimes relationships can be so engulfing and we don’t get enough opportunities to develop our own individual interests or hobbies or social groups. Or, we don’t get enough time alone, which can help us recharge. The bottom line is that spending time alone, away from one’s partner/spouse, is not a threat to closeness, but rather, can support closeness.
You don’t need a therapist to try these out with your partner. The next time you and your partner hit a familiar wall, try asking in a curious and gentle tone, “What do you care about here?” and simply listen. Or notice when you’re reaching to fix something, and see what happens if you stay present instead. Small shifts like these can change the feel of a conversation, and over time, a relationship.